Untitled 001

I originally wrote this short essay in early 2021 as a submission for a collection of essays that would be published together. It wasn’t chosen and it’s been sitting in my drafts for a little over two years. I thought there was no better time to share this than during Mental Health Awareness Month. So here it is untouched for over two years and yet I feel just as strongly about these words today as I did then.

I hope it finds the people who need it the most.

It seemed as if most people didn’t understand the pain I was in. At least not the way I needed them to in order to feel supported and comforted. Everyone had an opinion on how they would handle the cards I had been dealt but only I would have to live with whatever I decided. I made the decision to start going to therapy in April of 2019.  My reasoning, to unpack all of the “baggage” that had become way too heavy for me to manage on my own. The year before, I ended a long-term relationship and realized I didn’t have a strong self-identity, I was repeating poor habits I saw in my parents and I needed to heal some childhood trauma. It started with a quick Google search of  “Black therapists near me” and before I knew it, I was filling out prospective client forms. I never anticipated receiving anything more than a pocket full of coping skills and a better understanding of why. Why I behaved the way I did? Why I made the choices I made? Or why my relationships tended to feel unbalanced. Within the first year of my journey in therapy, my life was struck by a domino effect of unfortunate events that quickly began collapsing on one another. I remember walking into my therapist’s office one Saturday morning, it was February 29th and unusually warm for that time of year. One of those dominoes I mentioned had just fallen over and it was taking everything in my being to keep it together. I had been betrayed by close friends, caught off guard by employers who undervalued me and my cries had gone unheard for so long.  I sat in the waiting room as the clock slowly approached 11 am. As I waited I listened to the sound of the white noise machines and breathed in the familiar office smells. She rounded the corner to greet me as usual, with a warm smile, and said “Robin! It’s so good to see you!”. I replied, “It’s good to be seen” and followed her back to her office. I settled into the chair, sitting crisscrossed placing the decorative pillow in my lap as she found her way to the chair across from mine. This had quickly become our unassigned assigned seats and I was comfortable with it. She looked at me empathetically and said “Wow, let’s unpack that. ‘It’s good to be seen.” What followed was a conversation about how I was having a hard time processing what had occurred over the last few months because just when I began to tread water, someone or something troubled those waters. I began to release all the heaviness that weighed my tongue down, unpacking each emotion one by one as I fiddled with the embroidery on the pillow. It had become my way of self-soothing during our time together. Every sentence I spoke that day was followed by heavy tear fall and deep sighs. She listened intensely, reassuring me that this time and space was meant just for me to fall apart if that’s what I needed. It was my respite. It seemed that the days between sessions during that period had been filled with countdowns until we’d met again. I was desperate to escape from my mental prison and my constant default of “I’m fine”. I wasn’t fine. To others, these were blessings in disguise, necessary evils, or cautionary tales if you will. To me, it was proof that I was undervalued, underappreciated, unheard, and disposable. But in our sessions I not only feel seen and heard, I feel validated. There are no “wrong” or “right” feelings. There are no empty words of comfort like “You’ll be fine”, “things could always be worse” or “There’s no need to cry”. No, crying is encouraged, feeling is encouraged. There’s no guilt about being too much or taking up too much space. I never knew how deeply I yearned to be seen, heard and understood. I didn’t realize how much relief could come from hearing, “It’s so good to see you” or to have someone hold space for you to feel all the emotions that you withhold. Being seen is empowering. It grants you the capacity to be vulnerable and to show up as your authentic self.  And allowing yourself to be seen opens a whole new world of possibilities.

We could go our entire lives without being seen, felt, or heard. What a sad existence that would be.
I wish for every individual to be seen just as they are.
To be comforted with words that soothe their soul. 
Or simply the space to express themselves without feeling like a burden.

This is for me as much as it is for you;
I hope it resonates.

Remember...
Be gentle with yourself & keep evolving!

Mental Health Resources:
nami.org/help
therapyforblackgirls.com
PsychologyToday.com
TherapyDen.com
OpenPathCollective.org
mhanational.org/surroundings/healthy-home-environment
mhanational.org/get-involved/b4stage4-where-get-help-0
1 800 950 6264 National Alliance on Mental Health

The Roots. What's at your core?

The core is arguably the most essential part of just about everything. A core in a CPU is vital for receiving information and performing different operations. The earth’s core sustains its magnetic field. The core of most fruits and vegetables house the seeds. So the core is a pretty important function both figuratively and literally. If you find yourself having a hard time with balance in your life it may be time to check what’s at your core.

Core beliefs are our commitment to ideas about ourselves, other individuals, and the broader world. They guide how we treat ourselves and other people, usually acting as truths for the individual. These beliefs are at the center of our identity and etched into our foundation.

How do you discover what your core beliefs are?

Start here:

• Be aware of your thinking patterns in different situations.

• What do you believe about yourself? Both negative and positive.

• Which habits do you view as healthy v. unhealthy? Why?

• What do you believe about others? Is it the same for yourself?

• Where are you dissatisfied with your life?

• Do you believe you have the ability to change? Change your thinking, habits, etc.?

A few examples of limiting core beliefs.

• There’s something wrong with me

• I’m unlovable

• I always have to be in control

• I’m trapped

• Other people have it so much easier than me

• I should have been better

• I’m difficult to get along with

• It’s not safe to be vulnerable

• My needs aren’t as important as others’

Core beliefs are typically hidden in plain sight but we tend to overlook them because they’re apart of our everyday thought process. Beliefs rooted in self-compassion and grace help project you forward by acknowledging your emotions while holding you accountable for your actions. Whereas beliefs rooted in shame, guilt, or lack* can cause you to remain stuck in spaces that no longer serves you. These are limiting core beliefs.* Your automatic or first thoughts about something may seem surface level but you may find they are your core beliefs.

Where do your core beliefs come from?

If you’ve read enough of my blogs you’ll notice a recurring theme about where most of our internal programming comes from. If you guessed childhood then you are correct! Although this may not be the case for some it’s helpful to recognize when and how these foundations were built so that you may go straight to the source for reprogramming. I use the term childhood as a general time period in reference to our social groups, authority figures, and the environment not just family. This is where we inherit the beliefs of our parents, family, religion, friends, and other institutions. As we grow older, change social groups or environments our core beliefs may begin to shift. Where you once believed that being vulnerable was something scary you may find now that your belief is you are in control of who you are vulnerable with based how safe you feel.

How to reprogram your core beliefs.

After you do the work to identify what your core beliefs are and their origin you can begin to rewire your thoughts surrounding the beliefs. It’s important to include self-compassion* in this step and may be helpful to talk to yourself as if you were a child or a close friend. We’re much harder on ourselves than we tend to be on others.

Ex.

Just like choosing to embrace your authentic-self, reprogramming your limiting beliefs isn’t a overnight job. Show yourself some compassion as you do the work to heal. Throughout your years you’ll go through seasons of learning/ unlearning and growth/stillness; it's all a part of the journey. 

This is for me as much as it is for you;
I hope it resonates.

Remember...
Be gentle with yourself & keep evolving!

* Helpful definitions

1. Self-compassion is the ability to extend kindness, empathy, grace, and gentleness to one’s self.

   2. A lack mentality is essentially the idea of scarcity.

2. A limiting core belief is a belief that negatively impacts the way you view yourself, situations, and other people.

The Roots. Choosing to embrace your Authenticity

There’s a direct correlation between your happiness and your ability to embrace your authenticity. So it’s safe to assume individuals are happier when they are their authentic selves. So why do so many of us choose to wear false masks and seek outside validation? The truth is embracing your authentic self isn’t always easy. From a young age, some of us were conditioned to believe there are certain standards, values, character traits we have to conform to in order to be accepted socially. While that may be true to an extent it’s important to note that authenticity is an essential core value.*

Being your authentic self means being true to yourself both inward and outward. It’s expressing your true self through what you say, what you do, and what you think.

What happens when you reject your authentic self?

• You’re more prone to people-pleasing

• You can feel lost or stuck

• You can find yourself constantly changing your core beliefs to fit in

• You may quit your hobbies because they aren’t “popular”

• You may feel unfulfilled with life

• You try to control other’s perspective of you

So why do we reject our authentic selves?

• Fear of outside rejections

• Fear of vulnerability

• Past hurts

• Fear of judgment

• Fear of isolation

• Lack-mentality*

• Not wanting to lose relationships

• Fear of disappointment

  The keyword being fear. Although some of these things may happen we miss out on all that we have to gain when we take the mask(s) off.

How to uncover your authentic self 

To be authentic you have to first have a clear understanding of who you are:
What do you value?
What are your wants and needs?
What do you believe?
How do you express yourself?
How do you communicate?
Who are you outside of what you’ve always known?
Who are you outside of what’s been assigned to you?
Does it align?
Are you seeking outside approval or validation?

What’s so important about authenticity?

When I sat down and asked myself those questions I was amazed to find I really didn’t know. I had never even thought about it. After checking in with myself and slowly over time I began to piece together a foundation of who I was without the weight of judgment from others. Then I was introduced to the magic word congruence. Congruence* is the harmonious golden area where inner self and outer self meet. It makes sense that congruence and authenticity go hand in hand. When you’re congruent you’re being your authentic self.  Authenticity and congruence help to cultivate healthy, stable relationships within and outside of yourself. Being authentic means understanding that you may not be everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s ok! You can’t control how people view your true self nor do you have to defend. You’ll begin to connect with individuals who know and accept you simply as you are.

I wish I could say this is an overnight process but being authentic is a daily practice of choosing to embrace knowing, accepting, and being who you are at your core. Throughout your years you’ll go through seasons of learning/ unlearning and growth/stillness; it's all a part of the journey. 

This is for me as much as it is for you;
I hope it resonates.

Remember...
Be gentle with yourself & keep evolving!

* Helpful definitions

1. Core values are the fundamental beliefs of a person or organization.

2. A lack mentality is essentially the idea of scarcity.

3. Congruence is a term used by Carl Rogers (a humanistic psychologist) to describe a state in which a person’s ideal self and actual experience are consistent or very similar. 

ONE year of Shades of Robin

We celebrate milestones big and small on this site. And today we celebrate ONE year of
Shades of Robin!

A year ago today I hit the “publish your site” button on a website that I had worked tirelessly on for months and dreamt about for years prior to that. Although things haven’t gone exactly how I’ve envisioned for this space I’m glad I took the chance on myself. This site has helped me explore my love for writing, sharing knowledge and showcased my other interests such as photography. 

A year ago I posed the question “Do I trust Myself?”. Well I must have opened a can of worms with that one because what followed was a series of situations where I was faced with relying on my intuition. While in most recent cases I’ve trusted my gut, mostly avoiding disappointment and distress, I can’t say the same for a year ago.  Some of those situations I wished I listened to my gut when it screamed “stay home”, “speak up” or “leave”. In those situations my willingness to dishonor my boundaries for the sake of doing the right thing, saving relationships, or not being labeled difficult overrode my better judgement. I imagine my ancestors were holding meetings in Disney's Mulan style. “What’s wrong with this girl?”, they’d say. “We’re showing her all the red flags!” they’d yell, shaking their heads. Between them, my therapist and God I came to the conclusion that I didn’t really trust my judgement. I’ve often been labeled as overreacting, overdramatic, sensitive or my favorite, difficult. But that’s what someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries would say. I didn’t know that at the time and would compromise my feelings for the purpose of seeming “easy going”.  My mind would scream in discomfort and still I’d endure the uneasiness longer than necessary. I wasn’t doing anyone any favors by not being authentic to how I felt. 

Thank God for a year of growth! Sometimes it’s hard to celebrate yourself when the growth has been internal. The parts of you that others can’t see or feel. The parts they have no idea that you struggle with. They don’t know about all the work that you’ve done to clear out the weeds and nourish the soil for something beautiful to bloom in this newfound space.I see growth everyday even if no one else does. And that’s ok. I’m grateful to the places and spaces I’ve outgrown because for everything I have lost I’ve gained in perspective, wisdom and self love. The journey isn't over, there’s still lots more to unpack but as for TODAY, we celebrate!

I’m so thankful to be able to share my words with you. I’m so grateful to those who have read or shared my blogs, booked a photoshoot, subscribed to the newsletters and given me words of encouragement. 
For those beginning to trust themselves and listen to their intuition; I see you and I’m proud.

Remember...
Be gentle with yourself & keep evolving!

3 things yoga taught me

Towards the end of last year I made it a goal to have a better relationship with my body in 2020. I’m no stranger to working out in a gym or eating clean but I wanted to incorporate a practice that I could do both alone and with a group of people. A little over a month ago I signed up for my first ever yoga class at Enso Apothecary and let me tell you nervous doesn’t begin to describe how I was feeling. I packed my bag the night before and the next day all I could think about is how I’d look like a complete fool amongst a bunch of poised women. I have a nasty habit of SOMETIMES not wanting to try things if I think I’m not going to be good at it. I’m not competitive by nature but I have a small strand of perfectionist in my DNA. I had seen the kind of women who practiced yoga and man I was not it. Or least that’s what I thought. After I got over the initial “ I’m not very good at this”, negative inner talk I actually began to enjoy the class and it was a plus that both the teachers and the studio owner were really encouraging.

So after attending classes for a little over a month here are 3 thing I’ve learned so far:

1. Test my limits

In each yoga class you’ll do a sequence of yoga poses and stretches holding each pose for a given amount of time before flowing to the next. While in the ‘Zen’ portion of one of my first classes, where poses are held longer, I found it harder to sit in the pose because I was uncomfortable. Just as I was going to reposition myself, to be honest I wanted to quit, the teacher spoke saying “Try to hold the pose even if it’s uncomfortable. You’ll grow through the discomfort.” She began to explain that if we held the pose long enough we’d notice we’ve stretched deeper and wider than we originally were. And she was right. I took a deeper breath in through my nose, releasing the air out my mouth and found my body stretching beyond what I imagined it could.

This resonated with me because I often find myself quitting midway through the process because I’m uncomfortable or not seeing progress. So every time I quit I cheated myself & extended some inevitable processes. I didn’t realize that through the discomfort I was growing and stretching deeper.

“When God gets ready to change your life it begins with a stretch. This lesson is meant to show you your capacity not to push you to your breaking” - Sarah Jakes Roberts

2. Be present

Being present is one of the biggest components of yoga but for someone who thinks a million thoughts per minute it was hard. A lot of the time our minds are on autopilot moving from one thing to the next not really taking in the moment. One minute we’re in the car driving and next we’re home with no recollection of how we got there. During class I would find my mind wandering to thoughts of the laundry I needed to fold, what song was playing, what I was going to eat later etc. Really I was focused on anything but breathing, engaging my body in the movements and just being there. I thought I needed to distract my mind from the discomfort to get through it. What needed to happen was me making the conscious effort to silence my mind of all thoughts that didn’t connect me to the moment and the awareness of my body. Through doing this I learned how to react to the different signals my body was sending me. I was more aware of when I was improving my poses and I felt lighter after class. All it took was being present in the moment and listening to what my body was telling me.

3.There’s no need to be perfect

Just as my yoga instructor so eloquently put it “ No one cares if you can stretch all the way to the back wall. Only you care.” As I mentioned before there’s a pesky strand of perfectionist in my DNA so in my mind I needed to be great my first time going and every class after that. Well I’m not perfect but it was relaxing and cathartic so I got over that real quick. These days I’m much more concerned with staying connected to my body, mind and improving my balance. It’s not important that you come across as a poised prima ballerina. But if you do more power to you! As I attended each yoga session I realized it’s more important that you’re engaged in the movements, listening to your body and showing yourself some compassion.

Just like with anything I remembered why I started the practice, I wanted a better relationship with my body. And that’s what keeps me going.

Hopefully you’ve found yourself inspired to stretch your limits, be present in the moment and strive for improvement over perfection.

Interested in yoga? Click the links below to find online yoga resources or classes near you.
Online YOGA resources:
YouTube.com
Gaia.com

Find a yoga class near you