When was the last time you thought about your needs? Listed them? Questioned them? Expressed them? I’m not talking about your basic human rights vital for survival. Those are a priority too but I’m referring to the needs you have as an individual. The things that you need to lead a healthy and fulfilling* life that breeds healthy and fulfilling relationships. Never!?! Well, let’s fix that.
Knowing your needs tends to bring you more stability and contentment.
How do you find out what your needs are?
There several ways to do this. You can start by:
Doing a full-body scan.* Take note of how you’re feeling and jot it down.
Your body tells a story, you just have to quiet your mind and listen to it. Those knots in your stomach, your heart racing, your shoulders tensing up are giving you clues to what you may not be aware of.Think about the moments and relationships that bring you joy.
When thinking about these moments you may start to notice these were times that your needs were being met. What about these moments filled your needs jar? Ie. the time you called a friend while upset and they listened to you for hours genuinely concerned, your need to be heard was met. That friend who is down to sit and watch movies with you for hours on end fulfills your need for companionship.
Think about a relationship or situation that left you feeling depleted or empty?
Reflect on what you needed more of in those relationships. ie. the friend in your life who seems to never show up when you need them isn’t meeting your need for support.* Helpful list of needs here.
Feeling guilty about having needs?
Having needs does not make you needy, it makes you human. Communicating your needs doesn’t make you annoying, a burden, or difficult. I’ll let you in on a little secret, everyone has needs, whether they want to admit it or not. A lot of times we don’t express our needs because we think they aren’t significant enough, we fear losing relationships or believe we don’t deserve to have our needs met. Those are our limiting core beliefs* nagging in our ear pushing us to be so “easygoing” that we never “inconvenience” anyone. Think about why having needs and expressing them leads you to feel guilty. Everyone deserves to have their needs met. You have to know your worth and be at peace with the possibility of losing relationships with those who think you’re asking for too much. It’s not too much to ask, just too much to ask of someone who isn’t willing to put in the effort.
You know what you need, now what?
It may sound silly or cliché but give yourself what you need. After you’ve made your list go over it and see what you can give to yourself. This is not to say that the people in your life don’t have to meet your needs, that’s important too, but it’s necessary to have a healthy relationship with yourself. For example, if you desire acceptance you have to first accept yourself. Accept your past. Accept your present. Accept your flaws and mistakes. Accept your talents and accomplishments. It’ll be easier to navigate relationships when you aren’t desperately looking for all your needs to be met by everyone outside of yourself.
The next thing on the to-do list is to ask others for what you’re needing. Of course, this requires a level of vulnerability and honesty but how else can you expect people to know what your needs are if you don’t express them. Sometimes, ok a lot of times, I tend to overthink. This often happens in relationships or situations where I’m not getting my needs met in the form of clarity, consistency, or reassurance. I’d be doing myself and my relationships a disservice if I didn’t voice my needs. Just as you sometimes won’t have the capacity* or desire to meet other’s needs, sometimes it’ll be the same for them. Honesty and clear communication are needed here to assess what that means for you and your relationships. Because again everyone deserves to have their needs met.
The better you are at identifying your needs the better you are at expressing them. The better you are at expressing them the more likely you are to have your needs met. Like everything else, this will take time and practice so be patient with yourself. Show yourself some compassion as you do the work to grow. Throughout your years you’ll go through seasons of learning/ unlearning and growth/stillness; it's all a part of the journey.
This is for me as much as it is for you;
I hope it resonates.
Remember...
Be gentle with yourself & keep evolving!
* Helpful definitions
To be fulfilled means to be satisfied, happy, or life-affirming.
2. A body scan is a mindful meditation practice that brings awareness to your physical body.
3. A limiting core belief is a belief that negatively impacts the way you view yourself, situations, and other people.
4. Capacity is the ability to receive or contain.